


Something Deeper

by infinitum (rriverruns)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fans, Friendship, Gen, Love, Self-Acceptance, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 07:03:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rriverruns/pseuds/infinitum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>((hzzrry.tumblr.com))<br/>Everybody has obstacles that they must face alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Deeper

_Niall_

Feet squared and hands awkwardly swinging at his sides, Niall stared at his reflection in the full-length mirror that stood in front of him. He was wearing a plain white shirt and grey sweatpants, hair disheveled from sleep and slight stubble forming on his pale jaw. If he looked close enough, he could have identified every part of himself, every small, almost invisible freckle that spotted his cheek or a stray eyelash that would probably end up in his eye later that day. He could have stood there for hours, scrutinizing every beauty and every flaw that added up to him. Today, however, he was looking for something deeper. He was trying to look past those eyes and into his own soul – but looking for exactly _what_ , he did not know.

Unsure of what had come over him that morning, Niall had stayed in bed for the better part of the day and only risen slowly out of his fort of blankets and pillows to examine himself in the mirror. Was he having an identity crisis? It was unlikely. His entire life he had been sure of who he was and who he hoped to be. Self esteem issues? Doubtful. He wasn’t exactly gleaming with confidence, but the mountain of trends and tweets trying to reassure him of his worth had always confused him. Sure, he wasn’t the Harry Styles of the band, but neither were the other three members. Nevertheless, he was grateful that the fans truly cared about him; it was always nice to hear that people loved him. Besides, maybe deep down he really did care and he craved those comments as a sort of approval from the world, an encouragement that he should keep doing what he did. But no, that was not what he was searching for today. He wished the human mind was not so complex, that he would not have to stand in front of himself for the half the day to find what problem he had apparently been suppressing for so long that he himself did not even know what it was. Maybe that was the beauty of the brain; the fact that he had to examine himself in and out to figure out what was bothering him. As they always said, the destination was important but more so was the journey. At the moment, he was having a staring contest with himself, brow furrowed as he tried to dig deeper into the blue eyes that stared back at him, as if he would just have to push a little harder to merely break through into his brain and find the answer. His phone buzzed where it sat on his nightstand, but his gaze didn’t falter. He had more pressing matters. He would not let this issue bother him any longer. It would end right here and right now. Was it friendship he sought? He already had four best friends, though. He knew it was repeated over and over in every interview they had attended, but it was the truth. They all trusted each other and they all knew that they would have each other, if no one else. But if not friends, then what? Family? His family had always been so supportive. It was definitely not that, he concluded. So, what? More fame? More money? Health? Sex? Love?

Love.

It had not been something that he thought about too much. Of course he had had those couple girlfriends back before One Direction, but it was the type that lasted maybe a month, not a real relationship. Definitely not something he would call love. He loved his friends, his family, the fans, that he was sure of. But he was older now, almost twenty. Was it time for him to look for a significant other? He had not worried too much about having a girlfriend, and the prospect of a relationship was more of a passing thought. Every once in a while he might have met someone who he took a fancy to, but he had never acted upon it. Now, when he thought about it, he realised he was lonelier than he had thought. A sudden panic washed over him as his mind absorbed that notion. Loneliness was something he would never have predicted in himself, but it was growing larger and larger inside of him, the fear that felt like an endless abyss he was falling into. He could see everything now – the sadness, almost jealousy he felt when he watched the other boys with their girlfriends. It was not envy for the girls, no; it was envy for the deep affection he saw between them. He had watched as each boy fell in love around him, he had helped them through their rough times and celebrated with them at their best. But it had never been him who would have a girl to go home to, someone to care for and worry about and pamper and miss terribly when they toured. The feeling of paranoia increased with each passing second, the pain in his heart so bad he wanted to scream out for someone, anyone to fill the gaping hole in his soul. And then numbness. It took over him slowly, relaxing him bit by bit. He realised his hands had been clenched into tight fists, and when he came back to his senses saw that he was standing much closer to the mirror than he was before, his breath fogging up the glass. He pulled back, seeing something in his eyes he was sure he had never seen before – a deep, sincere sadness. The corners of his mouth tugged his lips into a small frown. He raked a hand through his hair, shaking his head. He found himself looking back into the mirror, with a stronger gaze.

“It’s okay, Niall.” His voice sounded estranged as he whispered the words aloud. Never did he imagine he would be talking to himself, near tears, over a relationship that did not even exist, but there he stood nonetheless.

“You’ll find someone. I promise.”


End file.
